The Texas Democrats have announced that 100% of the donations they receive this week will go to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Chris Bell has called off fundraising and is asking people to give to the Houston Food Bank on his site as the evacuees head towards the Astrodome.

(Look at us, we refrained from inappropriate editorial comment. Someone send us some damn cookies)

Even with a robust economy that was adding jobs last year, the number of Americans who fell into poverty rose to 37 million -- up 1.1 million from 2003 -- according to Census Bureau figures released Tuesday.

It marks the fourth straight increase in the government's annual poverty measure.

The Census Bureau also said household income remained flat, and that the number of people without health insurance edged up by about 800,000 to 45.8 million people.

Nope. No reason to look at the minimum wage, no reason to revisit health care or CHIP. Education surely couldn't help either.

Just to dig it in a little further we're including this, too, from the BusinessWeek article:
The last decline in overall poverty was in 2000, during the Clinton administration.

PD's conclusion? Blow jobs good for ending poverty. War? Not so much.

I guess Allstate is showing an ad in Texas that doesn't apply to us. I have yet to see it, but it has Texas Watch up in arms. The ad depicts a family who loses their house because their auto insurance doesn't cover all the damages from an accident. Texas Watch is saying that "The Texas Constitution (Article 16, Section 50) strictly prohibits the forced sale of a person's homestead except in narrow circumstances, clearly protecting homeowners from just the type of situation outlined in the Allstate television ad."

Full release in the permalink.

Suzanna Gratia Hupp, a.k.a. the Softer Side of Sears, has decided to call it quits with the House. Add one more person to the growing list of reps giving up. That sucks, now we have to make fun of someone else in the House with bad fashion sense. Is that even possible?

Cindy Sheehan will be in Austin tonight.
5:15 pm - BUS ARRIVES AT CAPITAL, 11th and Congress
5:40 pm - MARCH to CITY HALL, Cesar Chavez and Guadalupe
6:00 pm - RALLY
7:00 pm- VIGIL
[via Austinist]

Ok, finally we're going to talk about Hurricane Katrina. It doesn't have anything to do with Texas politics. (Maybe tangentially...economic impact, strain on state resources with refugees, etc) The cynical side of us says that President Bush is relieved to see something other than Cindy Sheehan and Iraq dominating the news and his plummeting approval rating.

So, we created a new forum where you can discuss Katrina, New Orleans, and things related to the disaster. Click here or on the forums link in the 'navigation' box on the top left.

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department have apparently sent their second letter to state leaders requesting additional funds. The first one back in July was ignored by state leaders (SHOCKING! I just can't believe that) and this recent letter tells state leaders that they may be forced to close 9 state parks and lay offs for parks employees.

That's ok with us, right? There really aren't any reason for the state to have public parks. It's mostly shit holes anyway, right? We could probably put a Wal-Mart where some of these parks are anyway and that would bring in tax revenue...oh wait...not so much.

The PinkDome Forums are now up! There are five categories to get you started, PinkDome Stuff, Governor's Race, State Legislature, National Politics and State Politics-Misc.

The forums are not moderated at this time. And once you register you can comment and post or start your own threads. So far we have only one rule: Remember your upbringing, ok? So go, discuss amongst yourselves.

You can click on these links but the 'FORUMS' link in the navigation box on the top left of the page.

And just so you know, he is heterosexual and he also opposes the Texas Constitutional Amendment re: same-sex partnerships.

"All of us as Texans are entitled to public servants who will serve the people and do everything in their power to defend the constitutional rights liberties of all the people equally," Van Os said.

Finally, a sensical statement from someone running for office. Too bad Texans don't understand that sort of thing.

Read more after the jump.

Here are the players:
Allen Blakemore, general consultant; Michael Baselice, polling; Steve Sandler, advertising; Jim McGrath, communications director; Elizabeth Blakemore, fundraising; Kate Doner, Austin fundraising.

So, how many Republicans does it take to make Joe Nixon sound good?

The full release and bios after the jump.

A new law on parental consent goes into effect this week that could make it punishable by death for a doctor to perform an abortion without parental approval or after the third trimester. We were thinking someone should have slipped in a provision to make it a capital offense to legislate ineffectively and fuck up school finance and kowtow to a few special interests. But, it would be hard to actually have a state legislature with only about five people not on death row.

The following are PinkDome's punishable by execution suggestions:
*Doctors that refuse to let us get generic drugs and insist on prescribing brand names only.
*Customer Service Reps that put us on eterna-hold.
*Hippies
*People that don't love puppies

Feel free to add your capital offense additions in the comments section.

Looks like the Reverend Al Sharpton didn't get to meet with the President, but did get to meet a real live Texas Sheriff!

Click here for the story.

Watch this ad for Brian Ellner, he's running for Manhattan Borough President (whatever that is)...wait for the end. You'll faint.

The Reverend Al Sharpton and Martin Sheen visited 'Camp Casey' this weekend. There were apparently a few minor skirmishes as pro-Bush, pro-war folks set up shop nearby Sheehan this weekend. We're not sure how much of the protest is actually indicative of the simmering anti-war sentiment in America and how much is slow news in August.

Wednesday it looks like Sheehan will jump on a bus and head South towards Houston. Word is she'll stop and speak in Austin as she makes her way to Tom DeLay's office in Houston. Uhm...we think Sheehan would have better luck getting George Bush to cook her dinner and whisper sweet nothings in her ear than her chances of getting a meeting with DeLay. He's probably pretty busy meeting with his legal counsel these days.

Oh, and uh..there's a big ass hurricane but it has nothing to do with politics until gas prices jump on Monday and once again President Bush does nothing to release the strategic oil reserves.

On this day in 1920, the 19th amendment to the United States Constitution was ratified, giving American women the right to vote nearly 70 years after the first formal women's convention in Seneca Falls, New York.

House Bill 67, authored by Representative McClendon in the House and sponsored by Senator Van de Putte in the Senate during the 79th Legislative Session, designated August 26th as "Women's Independence Day."

So, it was 85 years ago today that things went to shit? I kid...I love.

Rep. Bob Griggs is holding a press conference starting at 10am this morning where he is announcing that he will not run for re-election.

Also, another press conference is scheduled at the conclusion of Rep. Griggs' where Kelly Hancock is announcing he is running for the seat. Kelly is a longtime school board member of Birdville ISD where Dr. Griggs was the former Superintendent.

Looks like our cookies and begging didn't work. We suck.

Rep. Mark Strama [via Barbara Radnofsky's Blog]

What does oil and gas exploration have to do with the Texas Emerging Technology Fund? Well, Governor Perry just appointed Midland's own Grant Billingsley to the group and Billingsley's employed by Wagner & Brown Ltd., an independent oil and gas exploration and production company.

The Texas Emerging Technology Fund is allegedly in place to bring new technology companies to Texas. Such as, semi-conductor manufacturing, bio-technology, nano-technology, environmental sciences and advanced energy.

Here are the other appointees:
Texas Tech Engineering Dean Pamela Eibeck of Lubbock, Dr. Lynda de la Vina of San Antonio, David Nance, Sada Cumber and Pike Powers of Austin, Alan Abbott of El Paso, Dr. Thomas Caskey of Houston, Walter Ulrich of Pearland, Phillip Drayer and Dr. Hans Stork of Dallas, Clyde Higgs of Fort Worth, Bernie Paulson of Corpus Christi, Bill Sproull of Richardson, Cesar Maldonado of Harlingen and Bill Morrow of San Marcos.

Any of y'all know these folks? Are there any business development in emerging technology experts on the list? OR, are these all just political payback appointments? Hmmm. We'd do a little looking but it's late and the bars need us.

Word is that VP Dick Cheney will be in Houston on September 16 to help Tom DeLay raise some money and to show the administration's support for douchebag DeLay.

The White House will not confirm, but a Yahoo! Group has the details. Sadly, we believe Yahoo! Groups more than the White House.

So the special sessions are over, the finger pointing and name calling has escalated, and just like in 2003 there's a whiff of rumors for a new Speaker floating through the air. Ross Ramsey, Paul Burka, & Mike Hailey, all guys I would consider in tune with the goings-on of the Capitol, have used their podiums to hint at a possible change of speakership. One thing to point out is that you had very similar rumors after redistricting. However, a few more people this year cast no votes for Craddick for speaker, and a lot more people (Republicans specifically) went ahead & bucked the leadership, more & more frequently as the specials progressed. Political capital is being burnt up, and frustration is building. Will the Dems be able to knock out the Craddick D's in the primaries, or will Leiniger et al roll over those dissenting R's in their primaries? Is there enough muscle to flip speakers?

Here's a taste of the rabble-rousing that has been thrown out there.

Burka:
There might be as many as 20 to 25 Republicans who, in a secret ballot, would be willing to join the 62 Democrats in replacing Craddick with a new Republican Speaker.

Ramsey (subscription required):
But the Republicans are in charge now, and legislative Democrats quietly revel in their troubles. And they have been encouraging any signs of rebellion among their Republican colleagues, suggesting the Democrats would join up with a Republican speaker candidate who can bring along enough votes from the GOP to create, with the Democrats, a new majority.

Hailey (subscription required):
In addition to the Republicans who initially opposed Craddick's promotion to the House's top job, the insurgents would supposedly include two members of the GOP's big sophomore class, one freshman lawmaker and another veteran Republican who might have cause for a unique individual beef with the incumbent speaker. That would give the Democrats - if they all stuck together - and their Republican allies a hypothetical one-vote cushion with more than 75 votes including the candidate who is chosen to fill the seat left vacant by the death of Democratic State Rep. Joe Moreno of Houston in May.

Just something to think about during this week's lull in interesting political headlines.

Senator Royce West and State Rep. Terri Hodge were included in subpoenas handed out all over the metroplex yesterday. We don't pay attention to Dallas politics much, but apparently there is something fishy going on with the city council (when is there not something fishy going on with the Dallas city council?) and housing developments.

The DMN has the story and some lovely pop-up ads, too!

Bill Moyer, a 73 year-old veteran made the ultimate statement to President Bush at a speech he gave in Idaho attempting to shore up support for the war in Iraq. Moyer's accessory is making the rounds on the net and has spawned at least one downloadable do-it-yourself kit. We so need these in Texas!

The President's job approval rating continues its free-fall. Today I had a conversation with a retired lady that introduced herself as a Bush supporter. She quickly followed up with a qualifier, "But with this thing in Iraq, I just don't know about him anymore." Not much, but it's a start here in the Red State.

A little while ago Perry went ahead & shored up some more support with the whacked out right & appointed Don Willet to the empty spot on the Supreme Court. Seems that last year, Barrientos held up Willet's nomination, so Willet just went ahead and up & moved to Wentworth's district to avoid any such meddling by those pesky D's. Now the guy who created the faith based initiatives for Bush in Texas & in the White House is now moving on to take the ever lovely Priscilla Owen's spot on the bench. Now 5 of the 9 justices on the bench that will be responsible for dealing with school finance will have been appointed by Perry. Oh joy, I see good things on the horizon.

This possible anti-gay marriage amendment pisses us all off to no end. What disturbs me most is reading articles like this from the AAS, saying that Perry is going to meet with pastors to discuss it. I will bet you bottom dollar that he will be meeting with fundamentalist pastors. I don't think the pastor from my open-minded church (or any of the other pastors from "open/welcoming" churches in town) will be included in this. Of course the way the Statesman puts it:

Perry's note coincided with his plans to address 500 pastors about the amendment and voter registration at a closed-door meeting today at an Austin hotel.

The Texas Restoration Project, modeled on efforts in other states, seeks to register 300,000 Christians of like "conscience and values" by November.

"We're coming to a crucial moment," said Laurence White, a Houston pastor and the project's state chairman. "We as Christians have to take a stand."

Perry, who attended a similar "pastors briefing" in May, will also be welcome at briefings next month in Fort Worth, Dallas and San Antonio, White said.

But, we'll get it fixed in a jiffy. Unlike the state legislature we can handle our shit, baby.

We didn't post on the story about Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. We thought the story pretty much defied comment. However, we just noticed that the Bush Administration has 'disavowed' Pat Robertson.

A Chavez supporter in the Venezuelan parliament, Desire Santos Amaral said "This man cannot be a true Christian. He's a fascist."

All we can say is, "It's about fucking time, George." Legitimizing Christian Terrorists is just as bad as any other form of terrorism.

Oh, and if you're going to comment and say Chavez is a tyrant...don't bother. We don't assassinate presidents. *cough* Diplomacy anyone?

A tipster led me to this article from the AP: Troops' Gravestones Have Pentagon Slogans. Choice bits:

Nadia and Robert McCaffrey, whose son Patrick was killed in Iraq in June 2004, said "Operation Iraqi Freedom" ended up on his government-supplied headstone in Oceanside, Calif., without family approval.

"I was a little taken aback," Robert McCaffrey said, describing his reaction when he first saw the operation name on Patrick's tombstone. "They certainly didn't ask my wife; they didn't ask me." He said Patrick's widow told him she had not been asked either.

"In one way, I feel it's taking advantage to a small degree," McCaffrey said. "Patrick did not want to be there, that is a definite fact."

The owner of the company that has been making gravestones for Arlington and other national cemeteries for nearly two decades is uncomfortable, too.

"It just seems a little brazen that that's put on stones," said Jeff Martell, owner of Granite Industries of Vermont. "It seems like it might be connected to politics."

The good ol' Texas Legislative Council has the analyses of the proposed Texas Constitutional Amendments we mentioned earlier available for download as MS Word or WordPerfect (Who uses WordPerfect anymore?). Reading along, here is the official TLC arguments FOR Proposition 2. (*UPDATE* These are not the opinions of the TLC, merely the arguments presented by the proponents of Prop. 2 in the Lege. The TLC, I'm guessing, couldn't give three shits about this and probably found it hard to put this analysis together with a straight face.) Get ready!

The union of a man and a woman in the long-standing institution of traditional marriage promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. PD Says, "Allowing gays to marry and raise children would cause the stock market to crash, oil prices to rise and rampant shoplifting at Wal-Mart. This instability would crush Texas' economy and de-stabilize the State. The resulting Martial Law imposed by the President would incite riots from Midland to Tyler."

The state should ensure that the institution of traditional marriage cannot be undermined by a future court decision or statute of the Texas Legislature. PD Says, "The courts should stick to legislating school finance reform and stay out of constitutionally supported social disenfranchisement of citizens."

The amendment would not discriminate against any person. PD Says, "Except faggots."

Approval of the amendment by the voters would not prevent same-sex couples from pursuing their lifestyles, but would only ensure that the union of same-sex couples is not sanctioned by the state. PD Says, "It would also not prevent swingers, adulterers, child-beaters, drug users, pedophiles, and Republicans from pursuing their lifestyle...but it really doesn't do anything to ensure the sanctity of anything in Texas."

You can download the analyses of all 8 proposed amendments on the TLC Site here.

I know, you're like, Sheesh, Bluebonnet, you're all about the churches nowadays. It is only coincidence that I post about two church-related events in two days.

Texas Freedom Network is hosting a presentation of their report regarding the Bible in schools on the evening of Wednesday, Aug. 31 at University Baptist Church.

Read this full post. You can read more about the report on their site.

The Secretary of State's office set the order of the November Ballot. Eight Propositions are included. The most infamous, of course, will be Prop. 2 (One Man, One Woman and One Donkey Act). The Secretary of State decided the order in which the 8 would appear on the ballot by pulling slips of paper out of a cookie jar. (Maybe this is how we should have decided School Finance)

No Nonsense in November, a coalition of groups that oppose the ban, has set up offices in Austin, Houston, Dallas and San Antonio and selected campaign coordinators for 35 of the state's largest counties. They've begun canvassing neighborhoods to encourage people to vote against the proposition and plan to enlist volunteers to call voters at home. [365gay]

We checked out Liberty Legal's site but it's so hideous we didn't stay long enough to read about how Donkey Love protects our children.

Looks like the folks in the Hunt County area will be getting a very large new neighbor soon. The Redeemed Christian Church of God, based in Lagos, Nigeria, is building their North American headquarters in town. The NY Times has an article all about the new build and the wary citizens of nearby Floyd. Here's a taste for you:

"The Nigerians I've seen on TV are dark, really dark, not like the black people around here," said Tina Causey, 69, a house cleaner who lives in Floyd with her husband, a post office employee. "I'm not a racist, I've got Mexican grandchildren."

Well, as we ponder how many meth labs might be running out of the white people's trailers out there in the Meth Belt, we certainly hope that this multicultural church does something to get rid of some of the stereotypes these Floyd folks have.

Both Governor Perry and Lt. Guv Dewhurst have done some blaming on the "Failure of the Century" (Special Sessions 2005). They made their way past the obvious *cough* Craddick *cough* and went on to the 'greedy lobbyists.'

Ok, is there any other kind of lobbyist? By definition a lobbyist is laser-focused on championing their cause, issue, paying client. So, calling them greedy is like calling Mother Theresa altruistic.

This pointing of fingers to lobbyists won't work with your constituents Mr. Perry and Mr. Dewhurst. You know why? Because we didn't vote for lobbyists. We (well somebody did) voted for you. If you and the rest of brain trust in the legislature cannot do the job you are supposed to be doing we blame no one but you. Got it? It's your fault. Accept that you're a bunch of dumbasses, move on and let's get to the next election cycle.

It's that time again. Time for staffers that will lose their jobs at the end of the month to scurry around and find something new. Once again, if you're hiring email us and we'll post the job here or if it's not a public position we'll email it to the staffers that are emailing us asking us if we know of any jobs.

Nope, nothing shady going on with Halliburton in Iraq. Nothing shady at all.[AAS]

President Bush can ride a bike and talk at the same time! Witnesses call it a miracle! [DMN]

Seriously, What the fuck is up in Nuevo Laredo? [Chron]

The Swift Boating of Cindy Sheehan. [NYTimes]

School Superintendant mad as hell at all the school bashing from this Session. "Texas ranks in the top eight of the 50 states in performance on nationally recognized tests. At the same time, Texas ranks 14th from the bottom of the 50 states in funding for public education." [Corpus Christi Caller]

Eric Folkerth, a singer/songwriter from Dallas, went to Camp Casey and on his way back wrote a song about his visit. It's available for download on his site or you can stream it here.

Ford every stream . . . okay, enough with the Rodgers & Hammerstein. A certain someone pointed me towards an item in the DMN opinion blog about David Laney, current Amtrak board chairman, possibly maybe perhaps running for governor. From what we read in the post, it doesn't seem likely. PD thinks that as far as running against Rick Perry being like "taking on Mt. Everest" -- it's really more like taking on Mt. Bonnell. The invincible Rick Perry? Don't make us laugh so hard.

Click here for the entire post.

Senator Gonzalo Barrientos released his own statement today on the failures of this special session.

While we find it hard to believe that we can fix school finance without raising revenue, the rest of his statement sort of hits it on the head.

From the governor's calling repeated special sessions when there was no real consensus, to the speaker's insistence on a revenue neutral bill, to the silly $23,000-a-day staring contest engaged in by the speaker and the lieutenant governor as the second session sputtered to a close, this whole exercise was much more about political posturing for Republican primaries than about fixing the schools or offering real tax relief.

Governor Perry issued an executive order today saying that since the Legislature didn't act, he will. Oooooo, big words little man. He manages to put the blame for the spectacular failure of this session on the backs of the legislature and the business and petrochemical lobby. (Funny, we thought after calling three special sessions on school finance and seeing the Governor's own proposals fail we could put some of the blame on him).

Governor Perry also goes on to say that the blame game gets us nowhere. Uhm, after he just blamed everybody but himself for the failure. Oh, and one more thing...this grand gesture of the executive order? All it really does is restore the funding he vetoed earlier. But, shhh...don't tell the masses or it totally fucks up his whole 'champion for schoolchildren' campaign message. Ok?

Martin Frost emailed us his latest column for Fox News. That's right, Fox News. After I read through it (you can read it by clicking on 'permalink' below) I had a mixed reaction.

Mr. Frost believes Democrats must reach out to religious voters. To agree with his position means I have to agree that Democrats' current values are out of step with religious beliefs. I do not, so it makes it a little difficult for me to swallow this column as a 'call to action' as it was intended. Using a study by the Democracy Corps, he takes on the idea of a change agenda.

For example: "But somehow, Republicans have equated any support for gay rights and a woman's right to choose an abortion with immorality."

First, I strongly believe in the separation of Church and state. Secondly, I believe it is very Christian to champion the rights of the disenfranchised or discriminated against people (gay rights) and as far as abortion goes...when I grow a heart-stoppingly gorgeous vagina I'll speak up more fervently about the issue of abortion.

click here for the full entry.

An Ohio judge ordered Governor Taft (R-Ohio) to pay a fine for violating ethics violations. And...wait for it...

In addition to the fine, the judge ordered Taft to send e-mails to Ohio newspapers and state employees apologizing for his behavior.

Someone make that happen and get back to me.

Sine Die isn't the only latin word we'll be using today. Spucatum Tauri, latin for bullshit seems appropriate as well.

The real question is: What if you had a sine die and no one came? Is there anyone left over there in the pink dome today? If so where y'all going for drinks tonight?

We're sure we'll be drunk most of the day.

The Texas Rural Democrats are having a 'Summit' in Tyler next weekend. There will even be a Ball at the Ramada Inn on Friday night. (There is not enough vodka in Texas to get me to spend a night in a black tie at the Ramada Inn. I don't care if it was a Ramada in Monte Carlo)

Apparently, Paul Hackett (the guy that lost in Ohio...but only by a small margin!) will be a speaker. Here's a great motivator for the Rural Texas Democrats...You can almost win! It's the best you can achieve!

Interestingly, Chris Bell and John Sharp will also be there. Wonder if Chris will ask John for an endorsement? Charles Soechting will be a speaker, too. What's he gonna say? Uhm...vote for Kinky?
(Click Permalink for the full invite.)

I will admit (although I think I mentioned it earlier) that I own a Code Pink t-shirt. When I bought it over a year ago, I was subscribed to their mailing list. So I can tell you/warn you that Joan Baez will be in our great state to perform at Camp Casey this weekend. Sunday at 4pm.

Marcia Ball will be there at 7pm tomorrow. That should be a good show.

They really want more Texans to come to Crawford and join everyone else. It is tempting to go scope it all out, but for this weekend, I have to pass.

To view the entire email I got from Code Pink, click on permalink.

The worldwide candlelight vigil last night drew hundreds to downtown Austin. Here's my favorite brilliant journalism line from the Statesman story: "Young and old, many old enough to have demonstrated against the Vietnam war." Why was it important to add the reference to the protestors against the Vietnam war?

Vietnam war protestors: Good because their sheer numbers forced the government into action? Bad because they were just a bunch of whiny dirty hippies? Since none of us here at PinkDome's secret lair existed during that time why don't y'all tell us. Whatever, I just thought that was stupid of the Statesman. As usual.

The legislature obviously couldn't find a way to reform school finance with a map and a flashlight. While in Seattle there are apparently some actual sessions and group discussions on education finance. We bet you a liquid dollar that Kimberly Reeves of QR is the only person from Texas in the room, though.

The telecom bill somehow made its way through both houses this Special. You know, the session that was called to fix school finance? You remember...Perry vetoed the budget demanding the legislature act and not let 'activist judges' legislate from the bench and then Dewhurst declared that nothing was getting through the Senate until school finance was done?

Ah, empty promises from two limp dick politicians. At least Craddick comes right out and says he's an asshole. That way you know what you're getting from the get-go.

If Perry signs the telecom bill how long before we see the ads saying the Governor cares more about big business legislation getting passed that favors a tiny few companies and leaves thousands of children in dirt-floor schoolrooms across the state?

I don't really know how she's gonna woo Republicans with this language, but I gotta say that I tend to like it:

Immigrants, legal or otherwise, come to Texas to "put a roof over their heads" and Texas has a responsibility to provide them education and health care once they are here, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn told a conservative GOP group Tuesday.

Will she be able to cut out a large enough swath of voters to take on Perry in March? What with inviting Democrats, liberals, & independents to vote Republican, she's definitely taking an interesting route in her quest for the Governor's mansion.

The Brownsville Herald reports that Sen. Eddie Lucio's son, Eddie Lucio III, is thinking about running for the Lege next year:

Eddie Lucio III confirmed on Tuesday he has been talking with potential supporters and plans to run for the House District 38 seat. The seat is occupied by state Rep. Jim Solis, D-Harlingen, who has said he is almost certain to retire when his term expires at the end of 2006.

Solis has said he would make his official announcement in October or November. Lucio III said he will wait until Solis' announcement to launch his candidacy.

We received this 'fictional' news story today and since we all know that this Special Session was so screwed up we thought we'd post it for you.

Following a path it had trod some 857 times before, the Texas House today voted down Senate Bill 858, the latest school finance bill.

House Speaker Jack Crackson was blunt. "I wouldn't wipe my ass with Senate Bill 858," he told reporters today. "We all know what's behind this bill. The Education Conspiracy. A consortium of superintentendents bought the Lieutenant Governor off with a bevy of whores, a swimming pool full of coke and a personal hairdresser. If I catch sight of that sellout I'm going to hoist him up the capitol flagpole by his underwear."

Most analysts agree that relations between Republican leaders are on the rocks. "The speaker is quite grouchy," observed Inside Report's Giles Conundrum. "He used to be so tender, especially in the morning. He's really not so harsh underneath."

District superintendents had lent their support to Senate Bill 858 after gaining some concessions from leadership. Teachers would be provided vitamin-enriched gruel and a stipend for socks and underwear. Children officially labeled unruly would be excused from accountability tests, administered regular doses of tranquilizers and put to work in school cafeterias. Each district would receive 500 million dollars for Digital Brain Control Devices, or DBCDs, which are units able to etch the TEKS, or Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills, into the soul of a child.

Lt. Gov. Danny Dunkirk defended the bill. "Senate Bill 858 picks up tomorrow's Texas schoolchildren in its big strong arms and says 'You're safe with me." Dunkirk looked over his shoulder and added that Speaker Crackson was â??a big so-and-so."

Most analysts cautiously agree that compromise appears unlikely in either the near or very near future. A majority of House members have indicated they will only support a bill that included these school reforms: All school administrators must wear clown suits at all times; fifty cents of every school finance dollar must go to purchasing paddles and crosses; districts would be provided with an extra three hundred dollars of enrichment for "every purty girl that tries real hard" and "every boy able to power a 30-yard pass with deadly accuracy." The House version would also require property poor districts to return all past dollars allocated under the so-called Robin Hood system. "They stole it - time to give it back," said Daphne Bluebonnet, a Republican Representative from High-on-the-hog Park.

While lawmakers bicker, the Texas public school system struggles into its seventh year without funding. Randy Rock from the Center for a Tax-free Paradise, or CTFP, pointed out that's still double what early Texas settlers made do with. "The schools can sell furniture to raise money for pens and paper. I mean, there's a school that's complaining but still managed to find the money for toilet paper!" he said.

Peter Pedantic from the Bleeding Heart Institute disagreed. "The enrichment tier provides a weak allotment of weighted ADA for low-SES students."

Governor Rufus Tootin remains resolved to call the 113th special session if lawmakers don't hug and make up. He stood before reporters today with his index fingers pointed high like six shooters. "Pow. Pow," he said. "Pow. Pow."